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Personal Log May 30, 2008 - o_harper425_04
Personal Log May 30, 2008

We infiltrated the Pharm facility to retrieve our lost under cover agent and things didn’t go exactly as planned. I know, things never go as planned when Torchwood is involved, but the gapping hole in my chest and lack of heartbeat are evidence that it went worse than usual. And who do I have to thank for me still walking around? Jack bloody Harkness, of course. Looks like you really never can leave Torchwood, even in death.

      Despite all the things I’ve heard over the years at this job, "there’s nothing" and "it’s dark" and all that shit I for some reason still held onto a shred of hope that they were wrong, that it would be different for me. I still tried to believe that when I died I would get to see people that I’ve lost, people that I’ve loved...and maybe if I had been a better person that would have happened. But with the shit I’ve done in my life, that just wasn’t in the cards.

      It is just darkness, complete and utter darkness...the kind that drive people mad if they think about it too long. It’s cold and disorienting and you’re all alone, well almost. There are things in the darkness, moving. You’ll hear them shift, hear them scurry. Sometimes it sounds miles away and sometimes it sounds like it’s right behind you but no matter what you can’t see it, you just know that it’s after you and it sure as hell isn’t friendly. You hear other things in the darkness too, soft distant screams long since died out, whispers that you can’t quite make out but something tells you then if you could just listen a little closer, if you could understand what they were saying then all your problems would be gone, and you’d be free. It doesn’t matter what kind of person you were in life, whether you’re a daredevil or a coward, the darkness equalizes everyone. A cute little girl with pigtails or Adolf Hitler, you’d still shit your pants all the same when presented with that fate for the rest of your eternity. I remember thinking Susie was mad when she came back from the dead. Well, I thought she was mad when she was alive, but even more so then. I understand it now though, after you’ve seen the darkness you’ll do anything in your power to get out of it.

      I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t drink, and I can’t fuck. I really have nothing to live for. Well..nothing to die for as it were. But I’m not alone here, if I get scared I can go to someone and talk about it. If it gets to dark, I can turn a light on...and that’s something I guess.

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